My dearest reader, today I come to you with a chapter from my origins and a page from my heart.
These words are as important as the images and I hope they grace you in whatever stage of life you're in, as they have graced me now in this moment, nearly two years after I wrote them.
//Song, Music Video, Book Chapter and Imagery - Written, directed and edited by Me, "Mudiwa Chatikobo aka Midnight's Muse"//
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WHY WAIT?
Sometimes the culmination of all your actions leads you to a specific moment. A blink in time that you know is the turning point, the breakthrough you were waiting for and you watch the glass ceiling shatter around you as you rise through it. The dramatics of this particular experience may blow over certain spectators because they exist outside of your reality, they may not see the once indestructible shackles crumble to dust, they may not see the box that once defined you disintegrate, they may not see or understand the air of liberation because they simply exist outside of your experience, so what seems straight forwards in their interpretation is viewed as a breakthrough in your particular reality because you’re the one going through it and you’re the only one who knows your truth, your real truth.
This is one of those moments for me.
I’m the type of person who will make sense in retrospect –– my actions, in-actions… my burdens, hopes and dreams. My existence seems to be an endless contradiction, juxtaposed in the most poetic way possible. A chaotic orchestral production, diverging through different dimensions while being filtered through a human brain, my brain. I live an overstimulated life and in each moment, waking and dormant, I am constantly filtering an egregious amount of information. Which is why I tend to be here but not here. Disconnected from my fellow man yet infinitely connected to their experiences. Understanding the world in the most intrinsic way possible yet feeling alien while I try to live here day to day. I feel and understand everything through vibrations, through energy, through feeling. Which in essence is through emotion, pain and love… the unseen. I don’t make sense to even myself but I think it’s because I’m trying to make sense of something that I am yet to find the verbiage for. Something we have all been trying to find the words for, for many millennia, which is why write, which is why I create. I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to explain. Myself and the world around me, the world within me, the world within all of us. Like a drowning man gurgling out his last SOS, I am trying to convey an important message under duress. My creations are my way of showing the world through my eyes and in my existence and if I stop creating, I will self-destruct, I will become consumed with the heightened sensations, the words in my head, the sensory experiences and all the emotions, feelings and frequencies of the world around me. I am a sponge, a conduit and a vessel but that means I feel it all throughout the spectrum, the good, the bad, the dark, the light and everything in between. Trying to find balance has been a lifelong journey and as someone who lives at extreme ends of the spectrum, fluctuating between them like a swinging pendulum, that has proven to be difficult. I try to stay in control, I’m always trying to stay in control. I try to get a hold of myself because I know the potential for volatility is high as I am an extremist in all senses, living in the shrapnel of my past explosions, hence I choose the path of depravity for my own self-preservation but as all humans do, I slip and fall too and the cycles of shame and guilt are something I have been trying to break and shift out of because they can cause you to remain dormant. Which leads us to the present.
Why wait?
I was stuck in an endless cycle: get the idea, jot it down, start it off and freeze up.
I was certainly uncertain and a victim of my own paradigm. Wading through consciousness as thick and viscous as oil filled mulch… but this should not be confused with my conviction. I have always known I’m going to make it, that I’m an icon, legendary and I venture to say a genius of sorts but I think that has aided into my own mental conundrum. Knowing WHO I am and who I will be has never been a problem, it’s just the journey there and the time it takes for it to come to fruition that has almost broken me and left my mind at war.
Time waits for no man, but its illusive nature has us questioning its existence while bound by its constraints. I am ever existing but I’m a blink in time. Who I am right now was made for exactly that, right now.
While my soul is infinite, my humanity is limited and existing in every dimension other than the one my humanity binds me to, created an imbalance. I was wading through consciousness while I was able to see the truth beyond ego, while I saw duality outside of division, while I understood there’s TRUTH in everything when you truly listen because perspective is what governs discernment but most importantly, I knew, believed and lived in my purpose while I simultaneously became paralytic when the time came to execute. A juxtaposition.
I’ve been fighting unseen battles and waging wars on generational and inter-dimensional curses and principalities for years and in fact, most of my life. Being drained daily in an ongoing battle that no one else could physically see and yet I consistently felt. Alone in a world where resonance is relative, where your pain and the sympathy towards it has an expiration date from outside viewers and where no one else can ever see the true carnage that is in your mind, heart and emotional space.
Even so, I still get up, I always get up, because something within me won’t let me stop going and will keep pushing me through the pain and obstacles no matter how dormant I’ve become and how long my idle stages take. There is a fire within me that can’t be put out, a raging fire that combats the fatigue, a blinding light that pulls me out of the depths of hell when I’ve stayed there too long, this fire burns within me and its inferno only grows by the day and that is why I’m still here, fighting, every day and pounding against the glass ceiling that has tried to keep me contained my whole life.
I know my purpose is impact, the alleviation of pain and the spreading of light. I know my success creates a magnanimous butterfly effect and I know I have the fate of millions, in fact billions in my hands. That’s the pressure that cripples me and that’s the truth of my testimony. I have been facing the trial by fire that all great men face. A battle of worth, a proof of conviction and worthiness of the cause that encompasses my destiny. So Why Wait? A question I have asked myself for years and a statement I have preached with an underlying hypocrisy. Your destiny is yours to take and even when you feel stuck in quick sand there is always a way to get out, you just need to keep the faith and never stop trying, don’t give up. As in the life cycle of a phoenix I have endured combustion, and have been born again within the ashes of my own ruin. The beauty of creation has graced my life repeatedly, preceded by the torturous flame and kiss of self-destruction. I have felt it all, the good and the bad, I have faced so much pain, I don’t know how I survived it, I have overcome and overcome and overcome but the question remains, why wait? As I have bashed down the walls of my inner confines, the last hurdle remains, the final wall into the next level that takes place in this matrix, needing me to overcome my mind and paralysis in order to face this next stage that leads to the physical plane. This does not mean that the fight stops, this just means that nothing will stop me as the momentum arises and increases its pace. This is not about me, this is about my mission and this is for every single soul I will impact, this is a blessing that encompasses a manifestation that my light will tap into the ends of the earth, this is my war against darkness through my creation. So why wait? The answer is, I shan’t anymore, the time is NOW and I'm stepping into this new chapter with a fervent gusto and an untapped freedom. Liberated from that chains that once held me down and with an inner pride knowing I conquered my biggest beast again, myself, my mind and the darkness that tried to weigh it down. The butterfly effect has started to take shape again and I am blessed to be here sharing this testimony and experience with you.
Dedicated to my family, my friends and my support system. Navigating this space and season in my life would not have been done in this fashion and at this level if it weren’t for you, you are my biggest blessing and the people I work so hard to bless in turn, as I acquire more and more success.