Untouched.
I maintain distance.
But I'm tired of watching from outside,
tired of wanting connection
with every cell in my body
while my fear keeps me frozen,
keeps me separate, safe and miserable
in equal measure.
I know I'm wasting time.
I know life is short and that these moments,
these chances to reach for warmth
and let someone reach back
are limited, finite, draining away
while I’m paralyzed by not knowing how.
The worst part is not just the loneliness,
not just the fear,
but the awareness that I'm spending
whatever forever I have
trapped in my own inability
to do the one thing I want most.
To let someone close enough to touch me,
to touch them back,
to learn through doing
instead of staying frozen
in the terror of not knowing.
I want to break through this.
I want to be brave enough
to reach out anyway,
to risk doing it wrong
if it means finally doing it at all.
But I don't know how to overcome fear
that's been with me so long
it feels like it’s grafted to my bones,
like the only thing holding me together
is the distance I keep
between myself and everything I want.
Wanting touch, fearing touch,
not knowing how to bridge the gap
between the two,
watching time pass,
watching opportunities fade,
watching my loneliness grow
while I remain bound,
Unknowing and unable to break free
from the fear that's keeping me
from the only thing
that might make any of this
feel less like wasting away
and more like living.
I don't know how.
And I don't know how to learn.
And I'm running out of time
to figure it out.
Mizuyokaii, 2026
