LIMBO

Chapter 3 A suspension in time, devoid of reality, undefined by physical law and dictated by mental frequency — Limbo. ————— (Part 1 - Quick Sand) I was stuck in Limbo - Unable to move because my actions seemed to come up void, while I simultaneously remained incubated in a self created vortex, as I healed from my past destruction. — (Or was I merely placating myself in a ‘comfort zone’, due to the fear of facing the world again after I had brutally faced and fought my demons? - an ongoing question) The reality of time and the fact that it was rapidly running out and running away from me, kept frequently popping up in my mind and my mental space but my default setting was to block it out as I fell deeper and existed even more in my subjective reality. I think I subconsciously knew that if I acknowledged it, even for a second longer than my mind would allow, the anxiety and mental dread would have consumed me, triggering an explosion that would end it all But ignoring it, and feigning a deluded ignorance to the situation is what was keeping me stagnant — another conundrum that plagued me. Don’t get me wrong, I was working, almost constantly but my works seemed to run dry and not produce, my actions somehow were not triggering motion and even if I explained it as foundation building, how long would Limbo let me live in that truth, in that excuse, before the inevitable implosion which loomed overhead made ruin of me and everything that I believed? You see — acknowledging the carnage around you and the bomb strapped across your chest is extremely difficult, especially when you are the one who created those circumstances. However, the fact remains that no matter what the conditions were that led you there, ultimately, where you are and who you are becomes more of your responsibility the older you get — and the longer you ignore it, the deeper you descend into existential dread. (Part 2 - Cause and Effect) I have always been sure of myself, my dreams and my ideas and I have never once doubted the success and outcome of my story. I know that my vision of the future is a “once in a generation” type of spark and that my ideas and perspective of ‘what could be’ and my life moving forward often seem insane and unreachable to people around me but in my head it’s my truth and I know for a fact it’s what I’m going to do and what I’m MEANT to do. - … I never let anything stop me, even ME So when it all came to a head last year, it almost destroyed me. —— — (Part 3 - A Recap) Staring into the looking glass and not seeing a future was the point I had gotten to. I was just trying to get through each day, I was just trying to SURVIVE. It was the crescendo, the final note before the interval and it was a moment that that felt like the final note to the final chapter, I was seconds close to the explosion. I was seconds away from ending it all. My life had been cyclically turned upside down, from mental health diagnoses, to death, loss and separation, all realigning my compass and all breaking my mind and soul apart, causing me to watch my reality fracture and fall away into tiny pieces around me. I had lost the one thing I held dear, control, and I found myself in free fall. I found myself in the sunken place, even though I didn’t realise it’s where I had ended up. You see, limbo isn’t a state I EVER imagined I would be in, stagnating was NEVER meant to be my truth and giving up just wasn’t supposed to be what I would do. So at some point I kind of wanted the bomb to go off, and even when it didn’t, the alarm still kept continually sounding off in my mind, reminding me, threatening me and crucifying me with the fact that time was passing me by. I was in the darkness, but I had to be groomed there, birthed there and reformed there, in order to finally find my light. — You see, Chapter 3 is different because it encapsulates the truth of where I’ve been. It’s the reason I lost my dream and it’s the reason why it has taken so long: the art, the music, the business, the ideas and the BIG ACTION. It’s my REINTRODUCTION and it’s also where I let go of complacency, mental blockages, curses and unnamed truths, in order to display my REAL light, what I’m worth, who I am and what I can do because honestly, I think “half-assing” things had become my default setting, in order to preserve what was left of my youth. It’s where truth and honestly come into play and I hope you take heed of what I have to say because the truth often heals the bystanders but it leaves the narrator exposed, however, I stand fervently ready to tell my truth and this entire series is how I plan to pour my heart out to you. ——— (Part 4 -Closing remarks) So in closing, I will ask you this: What do you do when your dreams are at your fingertips but your failure to act, to follow through and to build momentum is what is stopping you? What do you do when small tasks are like climbing the highest mountain? What do you do when every time you try, you hit a roadblock and what do you do when any rapid action would end in an catastrophic explosion that will also consume and destroy you? What do you do when you’re lost, broken and bruised, when you’re physically, spiritually and emotionally EXHAUSTED and your purpose, being your reason for living, just keeps shrinking with each passing day. What do you do when the spiritual attack against you is in full force and no one fully knows the extent but you. Do you give up? When the looming realisation that time is running out keeps hanging over you like a thick smoke cloud… DO YOU GIVE UP? Or do you keep fighting? Even if this specific battle might just kill you and even if reaching the point where you have to fight it is a testament of your strength and future fate and destiny. - This is not for the faint of heart. And it’s a decision I had to make, it’s a decision I had to continue making, every single day. THIS is Limbo’s true face. — At this point, I’m sure you’re wondering “HOW?” How do you keep going, fighting..living? How do you push on when the world, logic and reason, are just screaming at you to give up? The truth is, there’s no ‘logical’ explanation. Just when I was about to quit on my life, I had an encounter. Something shifted and I could SEE again. I could TRULY see, not just second heaven delights, but the real truth, from the third heaven and above and everything that comes from true light. Deep within the time capsule, my mind had gotten the best of me, life had taken control of me, my surroundings clasped their hold on me and no matter how hard I tried to move forward, stagnancy and a sedentary fate fell upon me. My dreams were looking further and further away in the distance and everything in me began to shut down — post diagnosis, post treatment, post mental Armageddon and post spiritual carnage. So ONLY something supernatural could have the power to set me free. — Even though my soul was tired and I felt like I was as the end of my rope, the fire within me, that had turned into a spark in the gloom of the dark, suddenly blazed up again. It turned into an inferno and it urged me, forced me and WILLED me to act, so instead of being afraid of the flames, I embraced them, thanked them, became engulfed by them, groomed by them, birthed in them, and the ticking clock merely became an echo in the background, as I was violently about to reclaim the future the enemy stole from me. The fact is, when your dreams and your vision are greater than any torture, something within you WILL NOT let you let them go, it will not let you give up, no matter how bad it has gotten, and when torture becomes secondary, you become a different being. - Bombs cannot hold you, time cannot confine you and chains will NEVER be able to hold you down. As a phoenix in the flames, I had to die to be reborn, I had to break to create and I had to fail to succeed — my faith is what rescued me. Only the supernatural can set you free and only Christ could reignite this light in me —- “When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen.” - Isaiah 60:22 —- So as I conclude, I will say this - Limbo stole 8 years away from me, my mental state kept me in a cavity and NOW, I’m taking my life back and I know that all the success that was meant for me, will soon come to me. —— It is not over and I am not done. Greater things are in store for me and I will continue to thank the flames for preparing me. —— So, As it is written, so it shall be. ——— Sincerely, Mudiwa | aka Midnight’s Muse